I want to get better

My depression and panic attack is back.

I hate the feeling. I can't control those wild thoughts running, I feel really down and apathetic, and everything I see is 'worse case'.

However, I'm glad I am able to identify these symptoms and doing what I can to cope with them.

I was quite silly to have thrown away the panic attack medication. I had thought I would be able to cope - the Psychiatrist taught me to use the 'breathing technique' to control my heartbeat (and therefore attack) - apparently when one's breathing gets shorter, the PH balance of the blood is altered and the heart beats even faster, and therefore further exacerbates the situation.

I had asked for the medication for 'just in case' situation, but the courageous side took the better of me and plain stubborn-ness made me throw the medication away.

Having been trained in Abnormal Psychology and been in practical training in IMH, I am very resistant towards taking medication. The chemical intake alters the chemical balance in the brain, and that I certainly wouldn't want it to happen to my body. But now with this situation back, I reckon I have to give in and start taking medication to control the mood.

I hope this is short term. This is now getting a little scary for me as I begin to find it more difficult to cope by myself without medical intervention.

I want my original self back. Badly.

PS: For friends who read this, do not worry for me. I am lucky that I can identify the symptoms and is taking action to cope. All I need is your understanding when my mood is down. I don't want it either but it is just there. Bear with me...